Muddling Toward Maturity Blog

TEMPTATION AT THE END OF DINNER

From the Wall Street Journal:

 

 

TIME FOR A COMEDY PAUSE - CHILDREN INTERRUPT BBC NEWS INTERVIEW

A BBC interview with Professor Robert Kelly on South Korean politics gets interrupted by family members.  Watch!

Allahpundit comments appropriately:

It’s perfect comedy. There’s the self-serious straight man; the swaggering two-year-old, strutting her stuff like she owns the place; the surprise punchline of the baby rolling in; and then the Kramer-esque entrance by mom, reducing to pulling the door shut from her knees as she struggles to control the chaos around her. . . .  Everyone’s timing is superb. You couldn’t script it better.

Update:  Ben Thompson does a frame by frame commentary that will enhance your viewing enjoyment!

TRUMP CHRISTMAS PARODY - IT WILL DELIGHT TRUMP FANS, HILLARY FANS NOT SO MUCH

My thanks t0 Brian for passing this along to me.

 

FOUR RIDDLES FOR THE KIDS

(Courtesy of my friend Joyce and mikeysfunnies) - 

Riddle @1:

Alice: What do you get if you cross an iPad with a Christmas tree?
Johnny: I don't know. What?
Alice: A pineapple!

Riddle #2:

Phil: Where do snowmen keep their money?
Bill: Beats me.
Phil: In a snow bank.

Ridle #3:

Josh: What does Jack Frost like best about school?
John: What?
Josh: Snow and tell.

Riddle #4:

Trey: What do you get when you cross a snowman and a dog?
Brandon: I give up.
Trey: Frostbite.

BIRTHDAY PERSPECTIVE

To all my friends having birthdays this month (none of whom are 91 years old), consider the following point-of-view.   On an old man's shirt was written a sentence:

             'I am not 91 years old ... I am sweet 16 with 75 years’ experience."

GLEANINGS

 - - J. Budziszewski:       The Religion of the Modern University

The undeclared religion of the modern university is practical atheism. You are allowed to believe in some kind of God, but not the kind of God who makes a difference to anything. You are allowed to have some kind of faith, but not the kind of faith that interacts with reason. What threatens practical atheists is the classical Christian view that God matters to everything, and that sound faith expands the possibilities of reason itself.  

 - - David J. Hebert in a review of How Adam Smith Can Change Your Life  by Russ Roberts:   What We All Desire

The second theme of this book is a sort of self-help book on how to be happy. In this respect, this book is quite simply amazing. Roberts reminds us that Smith says that we all “naturally desire, not only to be loved, but to be lovely.” Unpacking this simple sentence, Smith is saying that we all want to be appreciated, desired, and praised. We want people to take us seriously and pay attention to the things that we say, to want our presence, and to enjoy our company. Second, we want to be worthy of being loved honestly by “being respectable, honorable, blameless, generous, and kind.” In other words, we want to have a good reputation – a good rapport, if you will. 

- - Mike Huckabee:    Secular Oppression of Religion

 On CNN's "State of the Union" Sunday he argued that forcing people of faith to accept gay marriage is like forcing Jews to serve "bacon-wrapped shrimp in their deli." Both foods are violations of Jewish kosher rules.

"We're so sensitive to make sure we don't offend certain religions, but then we act like Christians can't have the convictions that they have had for over 2,000 years," Huckabee said.  

"I would like to think that there's room in America for people who have different points of views without screaming, shouting, and wanting to shut their businesses down," he said. -  

 - - Humor

"Life is short, smile while you still have your teeth."

 Police were called to a day care center where a 3 year old was resisting a rest.

 Acupuncture is a jab well done.  That's the point of it.  Don't these silly puns needle you?

 I'd give up chocolate but I'm not a quitter.

GUARANTEED TO BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE

 

GRANDPARENTS AS DEFINED BY CHILDREN

From an email:

~ Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own.
They like other people's.

~ A grandfather is a man grandmother.

~ Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see
them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they
drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

~ They don't say, "Hurry up."

~ Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

~ Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have
television, because they are the only grown-ups who like to spend time with
us.

~ They know we should have snack-time before bedtime.

SOME HUMOR TO OFFSET THE NAUSEA OF GLOBAL MELTDOWN

From an email:

* Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

* If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

* We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

        * Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

 

Update: Then there's this from another email:

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

LITTLE RED WAGON (RADIO FLYER) CAR

From Joyce's email:

 

A TYPEWRITER FUNNY

A friend emailed me the following. 

The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The
kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, what's
this?"

"Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy
their curiosity.

"Well, what does it do?" they queried.

"I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She
rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving
black letters of print on the page.

"WOW!" they exclaimed, "That's really cool...but how does it work like that?
Where do you plug it in?"

"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.

"It doesn't need batteries either," she continued.

"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a
long time ago!"

There is something about this story that resonates with me.  I like the idea of simple mechanical things that don't require electricity!

SELF-ESTEEM KNOWS NO BOUNDS (HUMOR)

From a friend's email:

A confident little boy was practicing baseball.  He said: "I'm going to be
the greatest baseball player in the world!"  Then he threw the ball up and
made a huge swing and missed.

He picked up the ball again, said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball
player in the world!" threw the ball up, took a great big swing, and missed
again.

Once more, he said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the
world!" threw the ball in the air, made his biggest swing yet, and missed
the ball yet again.

He raised both his arms and cheered: "Hooray! I'm the greatest pitcher in
the world!!"

DEER HUNTING IN REVERSE

I have deer hunting friends who I think will get a kick out this:  [HT: Brian]

This actually happened.

They dressed the truck up with the guy tied down on the roof.
The driver and passengers put on Moose heads.
Then they went down the toll road Interstate, causing 16 near accidents.
Yes, they went to jail... Yes, alcohol was involved...

For previous humorous posts click here.

EUPHEMISMS

I got a kick out of what I'm about to post.  My August/September issue of First Things arrived today.  David Mills, executive editor, wrote in his "While We're At It" contribution the following:

Euphemisms can be fun.  A friend tells us that a small group of Franciscans he knew, conscious of their vows and their position, would, when they wanted to say a woman was pretty, say:  "She looks Irish."

Me:  So now my friends and I have a new communication code:   "She looks Irish."  Ha!

BIL KEANE - "WRY CARTOONIST CREATED 'FAMILY CIRCUS'"

My two favorite, not-to-be-missed cartoons remain "Dennis the Menace" and "Family Circus."  Last November the Wall Street Journal noted Bil Keane's passing away at 89.   (Yes, he spells "Bill" with one "l").   This short article is a nice tribute to a brilliant cartoonist.

DOG IMITATES ITS MASTER -- HILARIOUS!

I can't watch this video without laughing.  Hilarious!  Here's the introduction from the YouTube post:

Imagine, you are a singer and you accompany yourself on the piano.
You have a small dog who is your constant companion and watches as you rehearse. Got the picture? Now, imagine that you must be away for a few hours and leave the dog alone at home. Here is what happened while you were away.

 

TIME TO LEARN A NEW WORD: "PARAPROSDOKIANS"

Some of you, no doubt, already know the meaning of "paraprosdokians," but I didn't until just a few minutes ago.  An email from a friend introduced me to the word.   Here's a definition:

PARAPROSDOKIANS - "A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."  Such as, "where there's a will, I want to be in it."

Some paraprosdokians I have heard before include:

             - "A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip."

             - "You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing—after they have tried everything else." (attributed to Winston Churchill⁾

             - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.

Others I've never heard before include these:

             - We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

             - If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

             - Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

             - Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

             - Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

             - Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.  (The one I'm familiar with is - "Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law!)

            -  A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

            -  Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

            - I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

            - To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

            - "Your failure to be informed does not make me a wacko!"

Here are some paraprosdokians with specific attributions: (Wikipedia)

            - "If I am reading this graph correctly — I'd be very surprised." —Stephen Colbert^[8]

            - "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." —Groucho Marx^[10]

            - "If I could just say a few words... I'd be a better public speaker." —Homer Simpson^[11]

            - "I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night." —Bill Hicks^[3]

Fun, aren't they? 

CLARIFICATIONS (HUMOR)

From an email:

HUMOR: FORGETFUL? NOT ME . . .

Time for a little humor.  From an e-mail:

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.  I was looking for my keys.  They were not in my pockets.  A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car.  Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.  My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.  My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.  Her theory is that the car will be stolen.  As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion.  Her theory was right.  The parking lot was empty. I immediately call the police.  I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.  Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered.  I always call her “honey” in times like these.  “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.” There was a period of silence.  I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken” she barked, “I dropped you off!”  Now it was my time to be silent.  Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”  Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”

WHY THE IPAD IS NOT AS USEFUL AS THE NEWSPAPER

 
Funny!

AS THE FOOTBALL SEASON CLOSES . . .

You will be amazed at the cleverness of this marching band's "kicking the football."

 

ht: LE

Shakespearean Insults

I found the following amusing.  From an e-mail:

 Next time that you are at a loss for a good insult, use this handy table to construct a Shakespearean insult. 

Combine one word from each of the three columns below, and preface it with the word "Thou":

OBSERVATIONS

 From an e-mail:

1. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 
 
2. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 
 
3. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.  

4. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 
 
5. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY TO LEAVE OLD HABITS

I DON'T REMEMBER WHEN I LAUGHED SO HARD

From an e-mail. 

KIDS

From an e-mail:

More photos follow . . .

ANOTHER PROBLEM OF DEFORESTATION

From an e-mail:

SURPRISE DANCING IN THE ANTWERP, BELGIUM TRAIN STATION

The following video brought me huge smiles and happiness.  My thanks to the person who e-mailed it to me.  No doubt many have already seen it, but it's worth seeing again!

This video was made in the Antwerp, Belgium Central (Train) Station on the 23rd of March 2009.

. . . with no warning to the passengers passing through the station, at 08:00 am a recording of Julie Andrews singing 'Do, Re, Mi' begins to play on the public address system. 

As the bemused passengers watch in amazement, some 200 dancers begin to appear from the crowd and station entrances.

They created this amazing stunt with just two rehearsals!

YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH WINTER WHEN YOU SEE THIS!

From an e-mail:

WHY E-MAIL WAS INVENTED

From an e-mail:

WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE . . . (HUMOROUS PHOTOS)

From an e-mail:

THIS IS WHAT SORRY LOOKS LIKE:

THIS IS WHAT TIRED LOOKS LIKE:

REMINDER: THE BOAT GOES FIRST!

HUMOR - (FROM AN E-MAIL -- "WHY MEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MESSAGES")

PRAYERS FROM THE ARK - Humor

I was thumbing through one of my files and came across an academic article that began whimsically with some quotes from Prayers from the Ark by Carmen Bernos de Gasztold.  I thought the humor delightful.  Noah's prayer begins:

Lord,
What a menagerie!
Between Your downpour and these animal cries
one cannot hear oneself think!

The cock's prayer begins and ends on a somewhat different note:

Do not forget, Lord,
it is I who make the sun rise.
.......

I am Your servant,
only do not forget, Lord,
I make the sun rise.

On the Lighter Side: A Fun Video of a Well-Trained Dog

I found myself smiling and laughing as I watched this 3 minute video.   (Hat tip: Jonah Goldberg at the Corner)

REDNECK YACHT

I think that is cool!  See Ben Witherington's post for more redneck photos, including the following "Redneck Wedding Cake":

Lest anyone misunderstand, I have a strong affinity with rednecks!

WHY CLERGY SHOULD STAY IN SHAPE -- THEY MIGHT CATCH A THIEF!

I post this with a particular clergy friend, a marathon runner, in mind!  From the Associated Press:

Rev. Bill Hegedusich, a 48-year-old marathon runner, went bounding from the church Sunday after a man took two bags of money totalling about $125 from an unlocked safe.  [Read more. . .]

WHO ARE SMARTER -- MEN OR WOMEN? (Humor)

Click here for a five minute entertaining (with some genuine insights!) video.

A MARINE QUIETS DOWN AN UNRULY LITTLE BOY - (Humor)

From www.mikeysFunnies.com and passed on to me by a friend:

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.  No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the of the plane, an elderly man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.  Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers

ANGELS EXPLAINED BY CHILDREN

This is just terrific.  A friend sent them to me. (Did kids really say this?  I wonder...) 

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE TALKING TO THE PRESIDENT AND YOU'VE GOT TO "GO"

David Kuo wrote a serious book about his experience in Washington, D.C. (Tempting Faith: An Inside Story of Political Seduction, 2006), but the part that had me laughing out loud was his description of meeting George W. Bush in the Governor's mansion in Austin, Texas, when he was thinking about running for President.  Kuo and Bush had a long discussion about the possibility of Kuo working as a speech writer for Bush.

"Bush defied easy description.  He seemed not just charming, but weighty, seductive yet pure, likeable but mysterious...  My sole issue was that after all the sitting and talking for who knows how long. . . I was getting uncomfortable.  I had to use the restroom.  They had given me a big bottle of water when I had arrived and I had drained it.  Enough said.

Two conversations began to overlap.  In one he was talking out loud about his vision for

CHILD THEOLOGY... (Humor)

Have you seen these? (Courtesy of a friend who e-mailed them to me)

- Three-year old on the Lord's Prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," 
she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen." 

- 3-year-old, praying: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is 
His name. Amen." 

 - Four-year-old, praying, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we 
forgive those who put trash in our baskets." 

 - Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting  
together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, 
his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud 
in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed 
to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by 
the door? They're hushers." 

 - A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The 
boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their 
mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting 
here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can 
wait.' " Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be 
Jesus!" 

 - A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to 
their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the 
blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say 
what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her 
head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" 

IF GAS PRICES CONTINUE TO RISE

HUMOR - "Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer"

A friend passed along the following:

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,  "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind

A SEMINARY PROFESSOR'S COUNSELING SESSION (Humor)

Warren Wiersbe in his book Be Myself tells of serving as an instructor at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School.  While there he found himself in an interesting counseling situation.

“You never know what surprises a counseling session may bring. The wife of one of my students came to see me one day to express her grief at not being able to have a child. She was a nurse, and every time she assisted at a birth, it broke her heart that she wasn’t a mother. I gave her the phone number of a fertility doctor who had been recommended to a couple I knew and forgot about the matter. . . 

“A few months later, during coffee and conversation with a couple of the homiletics professors, my counselee came rushing into my office exclaiming, ‘I’m pregnant! I’m pregnant! And I owe it all to you!” It took some explaining to my associates, believe me, but I was glad she was going to be a mother.”    p. 262

The Bathtub Test (Humor)

A friend earlier today passed on to me the following:

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, “How do you determine whether a patient should be institutionalized?”

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. " A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Seasons Greetings to Republicans and Democrats (Humor)

From a friend's E-mail:

To My Republican Friends: 
 
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

To All My Democrat Friends:
 
Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

Anita Renfroe's "The Momsense" Set to the William Tell Overture

I think I first encountered this fantastic 3 minute video by comedian Anita Renfroe at Jill Stanek's pro-life blog, and then I saw her on one of the morning TV programs (which I rarely, if ever, watch).  Apparently she participates in Women of Faith conferences and is making the rounds of TV programs.  She's fantastic.  Here is Hannah Storm of CBS News "Early Show" conducting an interview with comedian Renfroe.

On the Lighter Side

A friend e-mailed me the following: 

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.  During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.  "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.  Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

On the Lighter Side

Bob Terrell tells the story of a minister who called little children down front for a story on a Sunday morning.    The minister pulled out a dollar bill and asked,